yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
