I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
