This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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