Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just cropdusted the office
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
What a dumb baby whore.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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