So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I puked a lego.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Randomize
