This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
