are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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