If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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