You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
