So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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