i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
