i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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