my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
