The maid of honor just puked.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he laminated a picture of his dick.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
