Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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