tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
