If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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