Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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