I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
