Midget sex pt 2 tonight
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
