So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
