i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
