dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
