I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
