Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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