i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm really busy with my period
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