P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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