Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
