..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I will pee on everything he values.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
