1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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