And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Randomize
