i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
