last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
