2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
