Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
