Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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