they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
