After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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