so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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