Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
