at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
