Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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