Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
