I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
