i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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