I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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