I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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