There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i think i have two assholes
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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