I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I licked your asshole in confidence.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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