There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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