Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
