I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
