sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I would ride that face into the sunset
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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