kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
