Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
