drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
