I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
