And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Green mimosas i think yes
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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