I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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